Microsoft’s E3 2012 press conference will be held at 9:30am PDT on Monday, June 4th. Sony’s will be held at 6pm PDT on the same date. That’s right, as overwhelmingly thrilling as it may be, that’s less than a week away!

While both companies will surely find plenty of showy ways to excite the unwashed gamer masses, neither is expected to announce any startling new hardware. At the same time, Sony and Microsoft are also gearing up for a new generation behind the scenes, meaning this year’s craziness will be a little less rowdy. With all that being the case, I’ve decided to lump my predictions for both mighty tech conglomerates into one.

Read my predictions for Nintendo’s E3 2012 conference here.

As always with my predictions, although the following are ranked by plausibility, the full list represents my “expectations.”

Microsoft’s E3 2012 Conference

Very Likely

1. Halo 4‘s glistening visage will be Microsoft’s treasured crutch. I mean tent-pole.
2. Expect a 15 minute trailer followed by a 15 minute demo.
3. With Molyneux gone, Microsoft’s conference will be entirely bereft of amusing execs.
4. Instead, we’ll get swarms of smarmy marketing guys, terrible actors that embody “family values,” and children.
5. Resident Evil 6 demo: secret semi-exclusivity deal edition.

Likely

6. The harmony of XBox, Windows 8, and Windows Phone will be touted as relevant.
7. Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 will be shown in interminable trailer form, followed by interminable demo form.
8. Kinect casual filth will cover all the lands in a second darkness.
9. Kinect fitness games, integration in all your favourite sports games, and “Better With Kinect” features for all your bro games.
10. And Dance Central 3. Obviously.

Nigh-impossible

11. An empty case representing Microsoft’s next generation console will be held aloft, with the promise “it’s coming.”
12. Master Chief himself will erupt from the show floor during the Call of Duty demo, demanding the return of his bro-core crown.
13. Master Chief’s pleas will be silenced when a revitalized Rare triumphantly returns with sequels to Banjo Kazooie, Perfect Dark, and Killer Instinct.
14. Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance re-re-announced, now with the title Metal Gear Revengeance: Assassinatrix.
15. Hope you’ve got plenty of beer, nachos, and bros, because ESPNs 4 through 7 are launching this year!

Sony’s E3 2012 Conference

Very Likely

1. PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale‘s glowing form will be Sony’s valued tent-pole. I mean crutch.
2. A jovial Jack Tretton congratulates Kaz Hirai on his promotion.
3. Kaz’s soothing voice quiets sexually frustrated neck-beards worldwide.
4. Vita spin-offs of 3rd party bro-core console games stifle air, choke water-ways.
5. Oh yeah, and Call of Duty Vita is a thing that’s there.

Likely

6. The Last of Us shown and demoed in excruciating detail.
7. Everyone carefully avoids mentioning The Last Guardian.
8. Move? What’s that?
9. All hail 3D.
10. Vita gets a price cut! Wi-Fi only model cut to $200.

Nigh-impossible

11. Vita gets a price cut! 3G model no longer in production!
12. And memory cards are now included!
13. Final Fantasy XIV for PS3 is real! Really real!
14. Final Fantasy XV sworn to exist!
15. Final Fantasy Versus XIII demoed, given firm release date falling before the expected heat death of the universe!